It comes to an end

Supposed to be on my lunch break but needed to vent for a second so here we go:

I went to see him yesterday to hang out and talk. It went ok but kind of shed some light onto some things that I had been unsure about. I don't know what it is about people and their emotional attachment to their 'first loves.' I guess I can't understand them because I have never actually been in love. I don't know what that feeling is like, but its hard for me be understanding when I know how much someone can damage another.

I have never met someone so heart broken over another person. He is so incredibly damaged and I don't think he will grow out of it anytime soon. Even after a year of breakup from her. That was one of the reasons I stopped seeing him in that way last year, because he was just too heartbroken. We had our differences; he didn't have faith in God and did not have any goals or aspirations which was a big turn-off for me, he had a lot of growing up to do but the other thing was his ex. He said she saved his life and he could never love someone like he did her. So I left. Why would anyone want to be with someone who was still in love with another person? Shouldn't someone love you for YOU? and not just see you as some sort of replacement or a second-best? I still care about him but I can't let him think I am here to take away that lonely pain or feeling, because I am not. I will not be used as a warm body to sit next to or hold and cover up those sore wounds. I care about him like I care about a close friend now. He needs to grow up and have a little pride in himself. I told him he should talk to her and get some sort of closure, but he insists that he will end up being hurt even more. Its sad to think that someone can STILL think so highly of another person despite of all the pain the other caused. He said if he approached her about it, he would feel like hes 'interrupting' her life and just wants her to live happy without him and his problems. That just goes to show how much he still loves her. I could never be in a relationship with someone like that. I am putting my guard up and have decided to not be anything more than a friend to him. I know he says he regrets not working harder on what we had in the past, but honestly I am glad I kept my foot down and didn't crumble. He isn't the one for me. He wants to try again and says im different and special, that he's never met a girl so sweet loving. But he is not what i want. I want to be in a happy relationship where I know I am cared about and loved. Not one where I am constantly picking up the pieces and trying to help patch up his broken heart. I am glad though that what we had ended nicely. We still talk and come to each other for advice but I wont ever see him like I used to.

My future boyfriend/husband needs to be:

• Loving. In all aspects of the word. Emotionally, mentally, physically.
• Needs to be funny. A guy who can keep a smile on my face and laughing is ugh. <3 li="li">
• Goal oriented. I need a sugar daddy one day, so a guy who has aspirations is definitely a must.
• Humble. A cocky 'im hot stuff' guy is a hugeee turn off. I don't like it at all its not cute. 
• Adventurous. I want someone who is up to just packing on a whim and leaving. Anywhere. on long rides or traveling to mountains, day trips, anything.
• Patient. I am not an easy person. And ill be the first to admit that I can be difficult with decision making. But I mean patient as in patient with me in waiting. For when I am ready. True love waits.
• Just loves me for me! Im full of flaws, Im no super model and i can be scary looking in the morning. But i hope my husband loves me for me! For the inside and outside. For my heart, my morals, and what i strive to be in life. and it wouldn't hurt if he told me i look like a supermodel at all times of the day even when i look like poop heehee :)

but most importantly

• Faith-filled. I want someone who wont mind waking up to go to church with me every sunday, who excepts Jesus Christ as their Savior and who is always up for learning more about Him and strengthening their faith. And most importantly allows ME to do so.

This list can go on for days but ill keep it short and simple. Alright I am done ranting for today! Keep your chin up ladies, our prince charmings are out there somewhere :)