Changes.

My sister turned 37 today and I can honestly say I have never in my 21 years of life felt so far from her. She used to be my best friend, my idol, my other half, someone I wanted to be when I grew up. But now cancer has changed everything. She is not the same person she used to be. I have never seen such a drastic change in a person, than I have in her in the past year. Me and her were like white on rice. We thought the same things, had the same opinions, mentality, just everything. And now she has become colder, more aggressive, angry, pessimistic and just not herself. I miss my old sister. Cancer stole her from me, Cancer stole my nephews childhood from him, Cancer split my family, it put our faith on hold, it left us all damaged. We will never be what we used to be because of it.

I remember when Joaquin was first diagnosed, someone in my extended family said "people get what they deserve" and I will hold that for the rest of my life. I will never see that person with the same respect I had. How could you think God punishes and is revengeful for how you live your life? No, my sister was, and is no saint. But that does not mean that God has punished her by injecting the worst disease imaginable into her then 2-year old baby son. Joaquin just happened to be 1 of the 160,000 kids to be diagnosed with cancer that year. And he will be 1 of the 4 out of 5 who will BEAT it.

Petty things don't bother me anymore. I have learned to brush them off my shoulders. Recently, I find myself having a rough outer shell. People have been getting in fights with me and have been down right rude, bringing me down and it has really never been this bad before. But I find myself shrugging it off. I honestly don't care anymore. All those tiny things are so small and insignificant when you look at all the bigger, more important things around your life. The bigger picture in our lives. All those arguments, stresses, fights, everything, its just all petty, insignificant things. There are far more important things to focus on and I just don't have the time or energy to focus on the minuet details of things that are just...not important. I still feel like the same old me, just with a thicker shell.

Yesterday a lady was yelling at me at an event we had for not seating her where she wanted to be seated. We didn't have room at the table where she wanted to sit. She threw the paper of seating arrangements at me and said it was unacceptable. So normally I would have been super concerned and stressed, probably at the brink of tears just because I get emotional when people are mean to me, but in that second I didn't feel a thing. It was such a dumb reason to even get worked up about, why would i waste my energy on something so insignificant? That's when it all came into perspective for me. I just DON'T care. I don't care if you are mad at me, I don't care if you think the things you do about me and I don't care that you hate me. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, but its just a way iv had to adapt my life and make things that ARE important my #1 priority. Like my family, and put my energy towards them because they are ultimately my rock and driving force in everything I do. My close friends that I know will be there NO matter the circumstances. Who will not fight and argue with me because all in all, that is not what a friendship consists of. Friends are supposed to be there for you when you need them, not to be the ones to argue and bring you down.

"Things will get worse before they get better but when they do, remember who put you down and who helped you up"

I think this is an important lesson to everyone. Don't waste your energy on dumb petty issues. Focus on things that are important in your life. Don't take your loved ones for granted because in the end, they will always be the ones to bring you back up.